The Planning Begins...

So, I've put the word out... it's 'official' to the world, lol. Now comes the 'fun part', planning all of this stuff. First problem to address is one doctors' office not onboard yet. My doc's office is supposed to coordinate everyone down there but aparently that's too much work this time. So, I've contacted them and told them if it's too much for them, then I'll make calls - every flippin day if I have to!!

In other news, I got two checks today - one was incredible, the other maybe not 'incredible' but equally appreciated. I have told both groups of givers that their support and generosity will be repaid and their responses have been the same - this is for all you have already done. That isn't why I do what I do and they say they know it, but sometimes the giver MUST eventually be the receiver. Well... I don't receive very well. : ) One of the pastors at church put it best: I get a blessing by being able to be there for others, to help others, do for others, not because they do or don't deserve it, but because it's needed, then and there. He said, "...now it's time for others to get a blessing ... by helping you." Ok, fine. At this point I can't say no, I need to survive.

This trip may repair my soul and spirit as well as my physical body - I have friends who are around the Seattle area and even as two of them are a bit of a drive (3-4 hrs), it would do me really good to see them. Heck, I have two friends (T & C) in Seattle that have been a Godsend for many years. They are a great couple and I've known T since... forever! It will be great to see them again and not so rushed this time; we'll have time for cards, dinner, talk, and whatever. I'm already looking forward to it. the road trips will be different but one man is an awesome survivor of a disabling/life-changing injury: he's a cop who was paralyzed by an assailant's bullet. He inspires me to go on through all I have traveled. The other is a high school friend in Oregon, I wasn't planning on going that far but a hotel room for a night is probably cheaper in Oregon than in Seattle anyway. These are just ideas for now, hopefully I'll be able to see them through.

One place I am going to go is a new baseball park named after a friend - Steve Cox Memorial Park. Steve was a deputy with King County Sheriff Office who was shot and killed by a witness/suspect he was interviewing on December 2, 2006. The POS committed suicide after Steve's fellow deputies shot and injured him. <>

Right now, my still legal missus is in Hawaii with 'him'; that was where we spent our last vacation together. So is it irony or just a kick in the head & heart. It's 4:05 AM and I should be asleep but here I am, wide awake; wonderful. It's a DAMN good thing I don't drink.

Back to planning... I've been looking at hotels and things in the area so I know what to snag just as soon as we know what's what. Oh, I also bought an Entertainment (coupon) book for me for the trip. It'll help with food, maybe rental, and hopefully lodging! The book we used in San Diego had a short list of hotels that had 50% off rooms, but of course those are in short number. I figured at $23.00 it was a good deal; plus after I'm done with it, I'll give it to my friends to use. I usually buy them one but I think something burped this last year as I had to renew my order. They're great gifts for great friends in Seattle, Spokane, and San Diego; I usually get 4 every Christmas. Ok, enough of the infomercial. LOL

Soooo much to do today - more calls to Seattle, ACS, the Alaska version of ACS, and more. I still have to get my 'travel file' ready with all of the biopsy reports, doctors notes, etc. Start a packing list and 'things to do' sheet. Oh, another friend offered to go down but said she can't be there for the full 3 weeks. I was shocked, I thought I said it was only for a couple days; maybe my communication skills faltered again. When I told her it was just for my surgery and recovery days she looked relieved, but like everything - it depends on the days I'm down there. I'm such a bonehead, I haven't even asked my Seattle friends if they can help out, but they work so hard, I hate to be an intrusion but maybe that "time for others to get a blessing" is the right approach. I don't know.

I thought I had a rant coming.... guess not. I'm just sitting here... not even thinking about the above issues much; writing it down obviously helps. I'm even feeling tired now, so I guess it's that time.

Until next time - LIVESTRONG!!

Next Move...

No answer from Seattle yet on when my 'consult' day is going to be. Taking the red-eye down, get there at 6, first appt around 8-9 AM, second appt around 11 or 1, last appt around 1-4, hopefully dinner with Tricia & Cameron, otherwise maybe Spaghetti Factory solo.

I did think of one possible benefit to being out of classes this semester is I might be able to complete my 80-hr recert for my police qualification w/Dusty. He's a retired Fairbanks PD Lieutenant who is the director of the Academy. I wish I could have worked with him on the street, he's a great instructor, an awesome friend, and incredible all-around guy: police officer, family man, mentor, coach, relay crew, etc. One of those who you'd hope to be like in the middle to end of your career and always.

Getting all of my medical files together to make copies for my Seattle doc. Still bugging with the insurance from my wreck in October. OH, you know the DA DROPPED THE CHARGES against the girl who 1) ran the red light causing damage and injuries to two other vehicles and drivers, 2) blew o.o4 BrAC, 3) was driving a friends' car. I also got a letter from them showing the policy holder as a woman and her son as the 'driver'. Um, NO!! Try a 20-yr old female who got arrested. So, I'm going after them for insurance fraud or whatever I can make out of it.

Day #3 of my workout sessions. Holy horse hammocks!!! I'm getting whipped!! My legs are definitely feeling it; but not much on my lungs yet. My next pool day should change that. : ) This was a LONG time coming but to be working out 6 days a week with cardio everyday and 2 pool days, wow. I'm excited to see how I am before surgery. The goal is 30 pounds before then, but I'll take whatever happens because this is only the beginning. When I got married and before I got my State job, I weighed around 260; my goal is to be a solid 240 and pass the Army Physical Fitness Test so I can re-up. That's is an unfinished chapter of my book and I'm going to see it through. I made my goal of retiring from the Army or National Guard as no less than SFC (Sergeant First Class) and as a Drill SGT, but I think I'll have to settle for SFC.

So, my future - as I see it - will include my return to the Army National Guard in some capacity and the North Pole Fire Dept as a volunteer firefighter/EMT and new steps either into a police agency or in some other law enforcement type position as an investigator doing what I do best: investigate. I would love to hit the street, but with so much work on my face, I have to wonder how many street fights I could get into without any issues. Oh, that's right, I'll also be taking classes with Master Scott to help facilitate/improve my defenses.

I think I'm coming out of my cave... feeling inspired to take this head-on and not pout... or eat any more ice cream. It's my food of choice/default when I go into my 'cave'. No more.

There's still a lot of fire trucks and police stuff to try to sell. I have to work on the pictures and descriptions of everything and get it on eBay. Some money is better than no money.

So, two biopsies came back positive and one more is going to be done next week; I'm assuming it will be the same as the first two. The crappy part about this cancer is that you just don't know anything really until the docs are in there. That's why I'm asking guys at work for swaps and that I 'repay' the swaps before I go, there's no way of knowing when I'll be back to work... if I'll be back. Not worrying, just life.

Obla-di, obla-da, life goes on, WHOA, laaa, la, la, la life goes on.... and so it goes.

Here I am.....

You know, some people say I'm tough, a man of strength and confidence..... psfah, ok. What you get and see on the outside isn't always what's on the inside.

Like now... I totally understand where mom was at when she refused treatment for her cancer, the only choice they gave her was chemo! Granted, that was in the early 80's (she died in '84) and her cancer had already spread to far and too deep. But that's the difference between she and I: she didn't have anyone to learn from... I did, her. I saw and smelled, up close and too personal, what letting this monster roam free can do. It invades you... pains you... scares you... it eats you up... then it takes your life.

She died of a brain hemorrage caused by the cancer invading the tissues. My cancer has come close to that once already, but it was stopped by some awesome doctors in an 11 1/2 hour surgery when I was only 20. Twenty-two years later, thirteen of constant battles, I continue my fight and I will not stop. My mother was 48 when she died, where my cancer will go in 6 years is unknown, but I will do whatever it takes to fight this demon and to do the very best I can in life. Not even so much for my own, but for the lives of others.

It's funny actually, while growing up I liked the 'Lone Ranger', 'Zorro', 'Superman', 'Boomer', 'Flipper' and such (I never quite took to 'Lassie' really). All of them just walked their road, helped people along the way, and got back to their road. I saw myself doing that, I thought it was cool - bringing happiness to others, knowing they found reality and would continue on; that was comforting and seemed rewarding enough. I always loved the idea of having the big 'Waltons' family, but after everyone died in 1984-85, I figured I was meant to be alone and on my own. When a school friend write you and says, "No matter what you hear or are told, you must know you are a friend and you always cared for me, thank you. Love always...", and 3 days later she kills herself, leaving a note that ended, "...nobody cared, so I dared.", it really makes you wonder if you're enough, if you're doing things right.

I guess that's the biggest problem with this last 14 months - I got kicked to the curb, stomped on, thrown into a plane head-first, then thrown out of it without a parachute while told to enjoy the view. She says it's not me it's her and won't tell me what I ever did or didn't do to make her leave, go looking, feel left out, unloved, or whatever. All I get over and over is: "Not everything in life is about you. It's not you, it's me." So again, friends say - "You're a great guy." "She's a fool for leaving you.", "You'll find someone else, I know it.", etc.,etc., and blah blah etcetera.

If there is anything I have learned from this, it is how much she did around the apt and how INCREDIBLY too much work is involved to keep it all clean. Holy cow!! I should have done a lot more and she was a dynamo. Go to work on Sunday afternoon, come home and , it looks incredible and smells wonderful, has the light glow of scented candles lighting the living room and my beauty is asleep on the couch waiting for me. I would give the world, EVERYTHING I HAVE, to experience that again. Sadly, I doubt I ever will again... from anyone. What a devastating loss of a lifetime.

I truly hate the situation at different 'hulk' moments, but I still love her. I can't help it. I love her and she'll never give me another chance. I once had a dream that 'he' died and she was left alone, but then it hurt me because I don't want her to be in pain. To see or hear her cry just tears at my heart with a serrated blade. All I can do is hold her and do anything she needs to smile at me again.

I miss not seeing my niece too. What an angel. I did finally see her last Saturday though. I went to the house and her mom was all, "Who is that? Who is it?" as she just stood there looking at me inquisitively. Then she smiled and walked to me with her arms wide open - my heart melted as I picked her up and she hugged me. How do parents leave their kids? To have a family and my own children has forever been a dream, a dream it looks like I will never see, and if I keep thinking about it I'm gonna start crying again, SO, next subject....


I HATE asking for help, but this next surgery and the logistics involved are WAY over my head. If the American Cancer Society doesn't come through with a break or two with lodging, I don't know what I'm going to do. Rental car isn't paid for, lodging either, or food... ugh. Once this last credit card is capped, I'm done, I have nothing else, anywhere, and car/hotel will burn it quick. Going to look up those Entertainment books and see if they still have any for Seattle. They olny cost like $20.00 now for BOGO offers on hotels, food, etc., it should help, I hope. Then I'll just give the book to my awesome friend from school who lives there with her beau to finish up; the books don't expire until November. Wouldn't mind winning a little in Lotto either, ha, haa, haa, as if that will happen.

I just need about $3,000 or so to pay for all of this mess... this time. How do you think our two major credit cards got jacked up - all of my surgery trips! Four figures on hers and five figures on mine and almost all of it is from my med trips. Again, I'm grateful for being double covered with insurance up to now, it's saved me/us a lot. But now, I just have the one, and it doesn't pay for much here '..because all dermatology appointments are elective surgery." No!" and "Wrong!!" little miss uneducated professional. There is NOTHING 'elective' about cancer. Stupid people.

and so it goes.....

PLEEEEASE - JUST STOP IT!!

My head is ablaze with SOO many thoughts right now. I have been given my walking papers for a dream life I once lived. Twelve years of paradise has gone into the farthest depths of hell. To see these things just tears at me, every page. Separation of accounts, property (not that there is any), and topping it off - her changing her name back. I'm so dying. I can't hardly see.

My head is off in EVERY direction, on the very tipped edge of gone! I want to yell, scream, throw something, hit anything, and yell somemore. The pain inside is more than I can bear. It is said "all things are possible with God", I think the rope holding me there is down to the last strand. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!!! Marriage gone, work sucks - I'm a TOTAL outcast, classes are in the toilet, WHAT THE HELL and WHY!?!?!?!

If this is a mission for God, then I respectfully dismiss myself from it, I just can't do it anymore. How much crap can one life take? Oh, let's not forget there's more cancer fun coming in October. Whheeeeeee!! NOT!!!

I have NEVER felt this way before, never in my life, I just can't see a 'bright side'! I mean who in their right mind would keep getting up after getting knocked down SOOO many times, huh? It's no longer a question of 'if' I'll get stompmed, but "how". Lacy leaving and doing everything she's done since then just makes me feel like a fool. A fool to believe it was real. It's like climbing back onto a boat and getting punched/clocked clean off the boat again. I have to swim back to the boat, climb up the side, and , I go flying and falling back into the churning waters again. Figure out where the boat is, swim back to it again, climb up the side again, and (right in my gut) then to my head, and I fall into the waters again, hitting the ship on the way down. Others are telling me to: fight, keep going, you can make, but I'm sore, tired, dizzy, feeling unwanted, put off, trouble, better off not anywhere..... I'm tired, in pain, and alone.
God help me.

Fairbanks Daily News-Miner, Saturday, July 22, 2006

LAWMEN TEAM UP FOR MADD CAMPAIGN
The small but spunky local chapter of Mothers Against Drunk Driving directed a photo shoot Friday to capture an image that will serve as a "visual reminder" of the immediate consequences of drunken driving.

The photo--featuring a line of stone-faced police officers--will be the centerpiece of the local MADD chapter's first public relations campaign.

"The effort is, of course, to get people to make more responsible decisions," said Brenda Sadler, MADD president. "We're doing whatever we can to remind people to be responsible when you drink."

The media campaign will include a poster, a slogan dreamed up by members of the Boys and Girls Club of the Tanana Valley and maybe T-shirts and television commercials, said Sadler.
For the photo shoot, law enforcement officers from six area agencies lined up their SUVs, squad cars, a motorcycle, a four-wheeler and a dog on Wilbur Street, which was closed Friday afternoon for the photo shoot. A camera flashed along with the emergency lights, and officers posed stiffly, with stern looks on their faces.

Chris Smith of Frozen Image Photography will design the poster, 1,000 of which are to be printed for distribution at schools, law enforcement agencies and--dare Sadler think it--bars.
"That might be touchy," she said.

MADD member Alan Mitchell hatched the idea for the poster last year after seeing anti-drunken driving posters in California and Pennsylvania.

The poster for the Keystone State features the Pennsylvania Highway Patrol "all decked out," Mitchell said, with the agencies' full fleet of vehicles in view, including a helicopter. "At the top it said, 'Drinking and driving is the offense.' At the bottom was, 'This is the defense,'" said Mitchell, who lost a cousin in an accident with a drunken driver, and who was the president of Students Against Driving Drunk years ago at his high school in San Diego.

"I thought it really made a statement," Mitchell said. "If you saw that walking into a bar, you would definitely go, 'Hmmmm.' It would make you think."

It took little convincing to lure the law enforcement officers to the afternoon photo shoot near the Fairbanks Correctional Center and the Fairbanks Youth Soccer Association fields.
"When (Sadler) first pitched the idea, we said, 'When? Where?'" said Lt. Lonnie Piscoya of Alaska State Troopers.

Also present were military police from Fort Wainwright, Fairbanks International Airport police, North Pole police, University of Alaska Fairbanks police and the Fairbanks Police Department.
Military police from Eielson Air Force Base were invited but did not attend.

Fairbanks Police Chief Dan Hoffman observed the photo shoot and provided the department's tactical team van so Smith could shoot pictures from its tall roof. Hoffman also likes the poster idea. "It's a visual reminder that there are numerous law enforcement agencies securing this jurisdiction," he said.

Reporter Amanda Bohman can be reached at abohman@ newsminer.com or 459-7544.

One of my high points...

I must say - this piece met my expectation; not my original image, but totally my expectation.

Lots of thanks to Brenda Sadler, Pete Eagan, and all of MADD - Fairbanks, Jennifer Yuhas/Fbks North Star Borough, Chief Dan Hoffman & Lt. Dan Welborn - FPD, Chris & Tanja @ Frozen Image Photography, and all of the officers pictured. L to R: Lt. Dutra & Sgt. Cooper/North Pole PD, Ofc. B.C. Rigdon/FPD, Sgt. Rick Rifley/FIA Police & Fire, Ofc. Clay Faris/UAF PD, Lt. Lonnie Piscoya/Alaska State Troopers, Sgt Caron & military working dog 'Bad' and Sgt. Lamoureux/Ft. Wainwright & DA Police. Thank you again for all of your support.

I also must thank my wife, Lacy, for putting up with all of the time away from her. Whether I was running around town pushing and pulling for the poster or going over plans, or sleeping because I hadn't in the 24 hours before, she spent too much time alone... without me around. While I am thoroughly pleased by the poster's success, I do regret missing that time of us together.

WHAT does it take???

Some days I think - "Hey, here I am, coming around, doing what I have to do, and feeling good about it."

Then I have end of days like this when I get to say, "Why isn't my textbook here yet?" and I look to see that the moron I am didn't check "Expedited Shipping" but "Standard Shipping" which is more commonly referred to as "USPS Media Mail" aka mule train in the 21st Century. It's only coming from California but I'm figuring it'll get here the middle of next week. OHHHHHH, WEED WHACKERS!!!!

How long does it take to change a bad behavior? To not procrastinate? To change something, a behavior, that has been around for FAR too long and doesn't seem to want to go away? What does it take? The search for that answer continues........

Happy Friday!!