Like now... I totally understand where mom was at when she refused treatment for her cancer, the only choice they gave her was chemo! Granted, that was in the early 80's (she died in '84) and her cancer had already spread to far and too deep. But that's the difference between she and I: she didn't have anyone to learn from... I did, her. I saw and smelled, up close and too personal, what letting this monster roam free can do. It invades you... pains you... scares you... it eats you up... then it takes your life.
She died of a brain hemorrage caused by the cancer invading the tissues. My cancer has come close to that once already, but it was stopped by some awesome doctors in an 11 1/2 hour surgery when I was only 20. Twenty-two years later, thirteen of constant battles, I continue my fight and I will not stop. My mother was 48 when she died, where my cancer will go in 6 years is unknown, but I will do whatever it takes to fight this demon and to do the very best I can in life. Not even so much for my own, but for the lives of others.
It's funny actually, while growing up I liked the 'Lone Ranger', 'Zorro', 'Superman', 'Boomer', 'Flipper' and such (I never quite took to 'Lassie' really). All of them just walked their road, helped people along the way, and got back to their road. I saw myself doing that, I thought it was cool - bringing happiness to others, knowing they found reality and would continue on; that was comforting and seemed rewarding enough. I always loved the idea of having the big 'Waltons' family, but after everyone died in 1984-85, I figured I was meant to be alone and on my own. When a school friend write you and says, "No matter what you hear or are told, you must know you are a friend and you always cared for me, thank you. Love always...", and 3 days later she kills herself, leaving a note that ended, "...nobody cared, so I dared.", it really makes you wonder if you're enough, if you're doing things right.
I guess that's the biggest problem with this last 14 months - I got kicked to the curb, stomped on, thrown into a plane head-first, then thrown out of it without a parachute while told to enjoy the view. She says it's not me it's her and won't tell me what I ever did or didn't do to make her leave, go looking, feel left out, unloved, or whatever. All I get over and over is: "Not everything in life is about you. It's not you, it's me." So again, friends say - "You're a great guy." "She's a fool for leaving you.", "You'll find someone else, I know it.", etc.,etc., and blah blah etcetera.
If there is anything I have learned from this, it is how much she did around the apt and how INCREDIBLY too much work is involved to keep it all clean. Holy cow!! I should have done a lot more and she was a dynamo. Go to work on Sunday afternoon, come home and
I truly hate the situation at different 'hulk' moments, but I still love her. I can't help it. I love her and she'll never give me another chance. I once had a dream that 'he' died and she was left alone, but then it hurt me because I don't want her to be in pain. To see or hear her cry just tears at my heart with a serrated blade. All I can do is hold her and do anything she needs to smile at me again.
I miss not seeing my niece too. What an angel. I did finally see her last Saturday though. I went to the house and her mom was all, "Who is that? Who is it?" as she just stood there looking at me inquisitively. Then she smiled and walked to me with her arms wide open - my heart melted as I picked her up and she hugged me. How do parents leave their kids? To have a family and my own children has forever been a dream, a dream it looks like I will never see, and if I keep thinking about it I'm gonna start crying again, SO, next subject....
I HATE asking for help, but this next surgery and the logistics involved are WAY over my head. If the American Cancer Society doesn't come through with a break or two with lodging, I don't know what I'm going to do. Rental car isn't paid for, lodging either, or food... ugh. Once this last credit card is capped, I'm done, I have nothing else, anywhere, and car/hotel will burn it quick. Going to look up those Entertainment books and see if they still have any for Seattle. They olny cost like $20.00 now for BOGO offers on hotels, food, etc., it should help, I hope. Then I'll just give the book to my awesome friend from school who lives there with her beau to finish up; the books don't expire until November. Wouldn't mind winning a little in Lotto either, ha, haa, haa, as if that will happen.
I just need about $3,000 or so to pay for all of this mess... this time. How do you think our two major credit cards got jacked up - all of my surgery trips! Four figures on hers and five figures on mine and almost all of it is from my med trips. Again, I'm grateful for being double covered with insurance up to now, it's saved me/us a lot. But now, I just have the one, and it doesn't pay for much here '..because all dermatology appointments are elective surgery." No!" and "Wrong!!" little miss uneducated professional. There is NOTHING 'elective' about cancer. Stupid people.
and so it goes.....
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