Find one's 'true' self... the hard way.

Some people say, as an individual, they never change as in a relationship. That they grow together and are always the 'same person'. Well, with all due respect... horse hockey!

It has been six months now since my best friend, soulmate, traveling buddy, life experience sharer and manager left me and I am really starting to realize how much I HAVE changed through all of these years; not at all on purpose, but definitely changed. I am doing more around the apartment, organizing more, I can actually remember where I put things now - who'd a thunk it?

I was originally against having a 'me' wall, I simply don't think I'm 'all that' to the point I need to have framed letters and awards up for all to see. But now, I realize I do need it, if for no other reason than to remember who and what I once was on the outside and can and need to become once again. I mean seriously!! I was offered a chance to go to West Point! They found me and offered me the chance of a lifetime! THAT'S A CLUE!

Why didn't I go? Because my CO in Basic was a graduate of "The Point" and all we ever heard was, "Back at 'The Point'..." and "At 'The Point'... We all got sick of hearing about 'The Point'. Hell, the capper for him was a company inspection by the Brigade Colonel. Our CO reported in, "Sir, Cpt. Williamson, West Point class of 82, reporting Echo Company ready for inspection, sir!" The CO looked around the formation then turned to the Captain and said, "You want to try that again, Captain?" He started repeating himself and right after he said "82" the Colonel stopped him saying, "Yeah, that's what did it. You see Captain I don't care where you're from, what class you were in, or anything else. I want your rank, name, and unit status. Period. Okay?" The Captain complied while half of the company was trying not to bust out laughing. I never pursued going to West Point after that and regret that decision to this day. What if...?

I have letters of reference and commendation from police chiefs, SEAL team leaders, mayors, supervisors, military commanders, and more, yet I've become quite the whiner of late. Okay, maybe not a whiner but surely a far cry from the "DOer" I once was.

Is this from the cancer? Is it from being married? Is it from PTSD or just being me?

Oh yes, without giving a name - in case this ever gets out - a few years ago I was told my status was a 'clearly definitive PTSD'. With my life history that's a total surprise, right? I somehow seem to have fallen back into a position of wanting things to be easy instead of accepting their challenges and overcoming them. One may ask, "Well, considering all you've gone through, why not?" True, my life has been a hard one with many battles, but if you're going to climb a mountain, why stop in the middle and accept that level as okay? The ONLY thing stopping us from climbing to the top is ourselves! That's it!!

So, my climb will begin again with the fervor and drive which witnesses to my earlier life will be familiar. My immediate challenge is to complete my degree by May which currently means I will need to complete 4 classes this summer, 3 or 4 in the fall, and 4 in the spring; but it can happen. "NO EXCUSES, DO THE WORK!"

My summer goals are to: complete all four classes, lose 30 pounds, NOT lose my truck, and push forward, making a difference at my job. How's that?

I CAN do it... I MUST.

LIVESTRONG